Why am I so stupid? I ruin everything.  I cant deal with this shit anymore…I want out.  I’m alone and sad.  I don’t know what to do.  Hardly ate again today…and i’m starting excuses again at work as to why I don’t eat.  I can see this spiraling out of control again. And the thing is…i dont want to get better, I want to get worse.

Home alone for the next 3 days.  So far, I haven’t eaten for 3 days in a row then tonight i binged on a whole block of chocolate and 1/4 jar or peanut butter. Seriously, what the fuck. I actually feel like shit right now which is weird because I am in a new relationship and really like the guy.  I feel a relapse…big time.  I just want to stop eating and get back to the point where I cant feel anything anymore because at the moment I REALLY cant handle my thoughts.  Help.

Anonymous asked: you say this new hospital will be nicer, was the old one not very nice? in what way? I know the stay was absolutely life saving for you and many people but was it ever uncomfortable? x

Your right, the other hospital stay was life saving BUT it did get uncomfortable.  I was confined to a bed for 8 weeks and the food wasn’t that great.  The atmosphere could also be a bit negative due to nursing staff making random triggering comments because they don’t understand eating disorders.  Don’t get me wrong, the hospital stay was beneficial….but it was just really hard to keep motivated there.

This new hospital is not specifically for people with eating disorders. They work with people with many issues.  I am able to go for walks to clear my head.  They also allow me to do yoga which I LOVE.  The group program is also a lot better than the other hospital.